Life According to Jason™

A clean mouth is a clean soul. Sure. Grandmothers will all agree on that point. But Grandmothers and school marms never considered the social and economic state where we have ended up. Everything is drab, drab, drab. Who remembers what the spice of life is anymore? Well, fear not. The quick fix is here.

I overheard a conversation between a blind guy and a very colorful person on the subway. The blind guy held onto the pole while the colorful person did all the talking. I should note that the blind guy steadily nodded his head in agreement (the colorful guy was ranting), or he was asleep and the head bob thing was only a result of the subway car’s starts and stops.

I was listening to the conversation. The colorful guy had a dirty mouth. It was eff this and eff that. That b word and you can’t believe… I looked away embarrassed. How awful were his manners! But I couldn’t stop listening. The guy was magical. What really caught my attention was the end of a line where he paused for emphasis after posing a rhetorical question, then said plainly: I’ll tell you who! Carl Mutha Effin Lagerfeld!

That’s when I realized: if the colorful guy had removed the bad words from his statement, it would have lost its impact. Consider it: I’ll tell you who! Carl Lagerfeld. Sure, it works. But it’s just so…plain. Carl Mutha Effin Lagerfeld is spicy. It’s got a poetic ring.

I began to play around with this idea. And the proof was clear: Mutha Effin makes things better. Take any normal, boring statement – take “I’m going to walk the dog,” for example – and throw in a Mutha Effin. “I’m going to walk the Mutha Effin dog.” That’s a SPICY meat-a-ball.

Here are a few more:

BORING: Go get some toilet paper at the store, at least eight rolls.

SPICY: Go get some Mutha Effin toilet paper at the store, at least eight Mutha Effin rolls.”

BORING: My head hurts.

SPICY: My Mutha Effin head hurts.

BORING: Peace be with you this holiday.

SPICY: Some Mutha Effin peace be with you this holiday!

Try it with anything, and the result will always be better. Another application to this rule is the name-split Mutha Effin – ideal for names. Bruce Willis becomes Bruce Mutha Effin Willis. Arnold Mutha Effin Schwarzenegger. Kobe Mutha Effin Bryant.

Remember this golden rule whenever things seem drab. You’re only ever two Mutha Effin words away from something better.